PSSSST…
Last week I was at Barnes and Noble looking for books on conspiracy theories. After about ten minutes I gave up and asked Barnes where the conspiracy theory books were. He wasn’t sure so he asked Noble. Noble said, “Uh, they’re not really all in one place, some are in New Age, some are in History, and I think there’s a couple in Philosophy too.”
Really Barnes or Noble? You’re gona have an entire section set aside for ‘Young Adult Paranormal Romance’? But you’re going to have the Conspiracy Theory books hidden all over the store?
You know every hipster who buys one of your conspiracy theory books says to his buddy, “You have to really dig in the store for these books man. It’s like they don’t want you to find them man! I don’t know if I trust that book store, I bet a lot of the conspiracy theories in these books aren’t even real!”
Hipsters either look like they are a hillbilly living in the city, or the adult version of a 1st grader trying to dress himself. When is that day when you wake up and say, “You know what, today I’m going to wear an unnecessary hat and half a suit to go with my briefcase that’s just a Care Bears lunchbox full of bottle caps! That’s right! I now genuinely love collecting bottle caps! And I tell people constantly! BOTTLECAPS! I’m a 1930’s comic strip. I carry a lunchbox and I dress like I’m in Little LuLu. Look, I made some of these bottlecaps into pins! It’s like trash you can wear!”
Whenever I’m on the train and I see one of those dudes covered in the pins that say stuff like ‘Vote Green’, ‘Stop Global Warming’ and ‘Save The Earth’, I walk up to them and politely say, “But what can I do? I’m only one person?”
Then right when their eyes light up and they start to speak, I look out the window and say, “Oh, sorry, this is me..”
I then go on to do an impression of myself.
I say, “I actually do a pretty good me. It goes like this, ‘I’m really interested in what you have to say. Just kidding, I think the way other people think is stupid.”
If I ever worked in a Barnes the Noble and someone asked me where the Conspiracy Theory section is I would look behind me, look back, then under my breath say, “Come this way.”
After leading the customer to the employee break room, I’d turn and say, “I think someone’s after me…”
BANG!!!
I’d get shot by an assassin, stumble into the customer, slip a book in the pocket of his army jacket and say, “He’s the only one who can help.”
After two secret service men then carry me away, the customer looks down to see that I have given him a copy of Encyclopedia Brown.
But when he opens the book he finds the book hollowed out and filled with magnetic poetry.
And that’s how Encyclopedia Brown helps, by passing along magnetic poetry invented by the U.S. government to distract socially awkward people at parties.
