comedycentralstandup:

Your Joke of the Day from Nick Vatterott. Watch the full clip here. 

comedycentralstandup:

Your Joke of the Day from Nick Vatterott. Watch the full clip here

Hi friends, this is a reading for the spec I just finished for “Seinfeld”. if anyone can pass this along to any industry that might be interested I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

Salt Lake City, first stop on month tour w TJ Miller. TRAVEL TIP: your key card will stop working if you leave it in the mountains. http://www.comedycake.com/archives/6658

Salt Lake City, first stop on month tour w TJ Miller. TRAVEL TIP: your key card will stop working if you leave it in the mountains. http://www.comedycake.com/archives/6658

Nick Vatterott does an impression of a guy he used to work with in Reno. Find more Comedy Central videos on Yahoo Screen.

Nick Vatterott does an impression of a guy he used to work with in Reno. Find more Comedy Central videos on Yahoo Screen.

THE THIRD HORSEMAN

We’ve all heard about the 4 horseman that will ride during the ‘End of Days’. But have you ever read the intros to the four horseman? For various reasons I’m reading Revelations today and when I read about the 3rd horseman, I laughed for about 5 minutes straight. I guess because I’ve always pictured the four horseman as the most grim, menacing characters of all time. Which is still true of three of the four horseman:

Rev 6:2 The 1st horseman on a white horse carries a bow, is given a crown, and rides off to defeat the enemy and win victory.

Rev 6:4 The 2nd horseman on red horse is given a big sword and is given the power to take peace away from earth so that people would kill each other

Rev 6:8 The 4th horseman on a pale horse is death and he is followed by hell.

But when the the 3rd horseman on a black horse was summoned it says he was given a scale and those that summoned him told him:

Rev 6:6 “A quart of wheat or three quarts of barley will cost a full day’s pay. But don’t harm the supply of olive oil and wine!”

Hahahahaha!!! Are you serious? Boy he sure got the short end of the Apocalypse.

3rd Horseman: “Ummm, could I get, like, a different one. They all got weapons, I got a scale. Could I get like, maybe a knife, or a pointy stick at least. Don’t know how well the scale is going to work while I’m riding a horse DURING THE APOCALYPSE! ‘Hey, can you guys watch where you’re ending humanity, i’m trying to weigh bread over here.’ The whole world is ending around me and I’m suppose to ride around balancing stuff? If you want me to cause famine then just say famine, but ‘3 quarts of barely is a full day’s pay’ is just me running around causing inflation. Also, who are these people that are BUYING stuff during the Apocalypse? Uh-oh, the world is ending, better buy bread!”

Also super weird they wanted the cost of wheat and barley to go up, but didn’t want the olive oil and wine to be messed with. “GO FORTH AND DESTROY THE WORLD… BUT NOT THE WINE THAT’S ALL WE GOT LEFT. AND THAT SHIZZLES GOOD! AND YOU KNOW WHAT, LEAVE SOME OLIVE OIL TOO, THAT STUFF GREAT FOR COOKING!”

So when the world ends, watch out for the 4 horseman; for one will be killing, one will be ending peace, one will be being death, but most importantly, one will be making stuff REAL pricy!

comedycentralstandup:

Your Joke of the Day from Nick Vatterott. Watch the full clip here. 

comedycentralstandup:

Your Joke of the Day from Nick Vatterott. Watch the full clip here

Have You Guys Seen This Deleted Scene From Back To The Future?!?!? This is UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Just in time before the New Year, here’s my pop culture reporting of the Top 5 Memories of 2013 on a terrible green screen!

100 posts!

100 posts!

(Source: assets)

My second appearance on Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV!!!

Shtick or Treat is one of the most fun shows of the year. Stand-ups “dress up” as their favorite comedian. This year I went as the great Bill Burr. Bill Burr is a millions times funnier than this clip, but if you’re into a weird bald guy doing a Bill Burr impression here you go:

Autocorrect FLAIL!

officialcomedy:

Nick Vatterott’s Kazoo Fail

Nick describes his epic last set at Chicago’s legendary Lions Den open mic, in which he handed out hundreds of kazoos to the audience and discovered a simple fact: people don’t know how to play kazoos.

About Me
This is the tumblr page of human comedian Nick Vatterott. Check out his website at www.nickvatterott.com and his twitter that is written on post-its all over the inside of the tool shed in his back yard.