OODLES OF PUN

Irish bars have got to be the worst place to spend St. Patrick’s Day. My buddy didn’t want to go to a certain bar because “man, that place is dead. There’s nobody there.” Nobody’s there? We got the place to ourselves? That sounds PERFECT TO ME!!! Then he says “Let’s all go to Sully McFlannydoodle’s! That’s THE place to be!!!” Why? What is the draw of going somewhere that’s completely crowded. You’re not going to talk to any of those people. We’re out on the town with a group of ten friends that we know well, what else do we need? 200 drunk strangers spilling beer and bumping into us the entire night doesn’t really enhance the experience for me.  Why do you want to go where it’s packed? For girls? You’re wife is probably gona hard core cock block you on that front. You wana BRO it with strange dudes? That’s weird and we should probably stop hanging out. Getting a beer is a grueling twenty minute expedition where anyone who might get in front of you becomes your mortal enemy. My buddy wants to go to where there’s tons of people, then while he’s at the bar trying to get a beer he’s whispering to me, “Fuck this guy over here, he’s trying to get in front, I’ve been her way longer. That bartender better not serve him first. FUCK THAT DUDE! I was here longer. I WAS HERE LONGER!!!” Hundreds of drunks passively and aggressively boxing each other out. YES! Let’s hang out with people that would trample me in a heartbeat if it meant they could move up in line to buy an overpriced Irish Car Bomb! By the way, probably the most offensive part of St. Patrick’s Day is the assholes who order Irish Car Bombs. Although that is rivaled with the idiots who honor their Irish background by drinking Black and Tans, which most don’t realize is a reference to the British troops that attacked many small Irish towns, burning them to the ground and killing several Irish civilians. What a way to celebrate the Irish heritage. Let’s all do some Potato Famine Vodka Shooters while we’re at it! While it may take forever to get a beer, at least the bathroom is one big puddle. I don’t get it. Why are Irish bars so great anyway?  They are all exactly the same. All Irish bars have that green tint with wood and brass over the entire interior. Nostalgic Guinness signs mixed with zingers towards people who don´t drink Jameson line the walls in between pictures of Ireland that were probably purchased from some Irish bar start up kit. If you order a Guinness, a shit head stranger sitting at the bar will start talking your ear off about how Guinness is actually supposed to be poured. He´s usually wearing some douche bag hat like a kid would wear in a 1920’s comic strip. He´s usually by himself. If he asks you if you´ve ever been to Ireland, that´s his way of telling you that he’s  been to Ireland and that you´re about to spend the next three U2 songs hearing about it. St. Patrick’s Day shouldn’t be celebrated in some watered down American version of an Irish pub, it should be celebrated out in the streets where someone can get hit by a car at any given moment! It’s a time where we wear all the green beads leftover from Mardi Gras and eventually go to the bathroom in someonebody’s backyard! It should should be celebrated by turning rivers green, pinching people and looking for clovers with genetic mutations. I’m sure that’s the way St. Patrick wanted us to remember whatever it was that he did. Happy St. Patrick’s Day y’all!