Transcripts of @nickvatterott LIVE TWEETING DURING JURY DUTY https://twitter.com/#!/nickvatterott - Week 2 of Jury Duty. Shit’s boring as hell. Dude looks guilty as fuck. Defense can save it’s “evidence” for someone who gives a shit - This an ugly ass jury.Old dude smells like fruit chews. Talks 2 us like we’re friends. Just wait till this is over we NEVER HANG OUT AGAIN! - Finally we get to eat. This jury shit sucks! But we get Popeyes every day! Love them sides, call me Kennith Cole Slaw! - back to courtroom. More blah blah blah shit. Judge is kinda hot for someone with a job. Jury looks like picture on a social studies text book - Havnt been paying attention, asked juror next to me whats going on. Just found out this dude robbed a bank, BAD ASS! This is some HEAT shit! - Why this hipster idiot try to rob a bank? He ain’t tough. Hipsters trying to fight look like penguins trying to fly: STUPID! - Cop now in the hot seat. His mustache looks like 2 caterpillars doing it boy on boy style. Got some weird accent. All his J’s sound like M’s - Just tried to start the wave. Judge got mad. I think he’s just mad cause this jury looks like the cast of Head of the Class: Final Season - DAMN! Tried 2 ask question,Judge said no questions from Jury. Ta Fuck? Juror next to me is getting handsy. Bout ready to bust out this joint - The bathrooms at this court house Fucking Suck! http://pic.twitter.com/dH4IZgqh - Back in courtroom. Damn that Popeyes went straight through me. Diarrhea is kinda like having THE WORST super power. ‏ - @sp0rkbomb: “@nickvatterott “Your honor, with all due respect, it is 4:20PM. My religion obligates me to hit this shit at this point in time.*lights up*” - juror next to me @sp0rkbomb just lit a joint, these cats alright! - Odor in the court! - Gotta feeln this case is gona go cold, bitch just dropped ass like its heavy and awkward to hold - Flight attendant juror is nasty, face wrinkly & sunburnt, like she’s never not tanning & smoking.Bet her insides look as bad as her outsides - Judge smells joint, I blame it on nasty farting flight attendant. She just got ejected. Lucky. Lawyers want to give final monologues - Just found out that dude who robbed the bank’s nickname is “2 ears” cause his 2 ears are gone. - Lawyer showing video,how come surveillance cameras aren’t in HD? These tapes always say,”be on lookout 4 dude who looks like every criminal” - Lawyer giving final speech, dude needs 2go2dentist.He got teeth shootn out of his mouth llike bottle rockets out of a burning firework stand - Damn this lawyer nasty, dude looks like if furniture and mayonnaise had a child. - Damn, for a dude who looks like a fire truck accident he’s saying some pretty profound shit. - HOLY SHIT, THAT’S THE DUDE!!! RT@mrgantz according to google images, this is the lawyer. http://pic.twitter.com/LNPlZ3b5 - this lawyer’s closing talk has got me crying like a dickhead. No way this dude is guilty. Im only jury guy who thinks so. fuck these squares - Jury says if I side with them, I get the rest of the cold Popeye’s. Looks like this dude is guilty as fuck again! - Dude says if we don’t agree on a verdict we’ll be hung. Fuck that, that’ll fuck up my neck chains. Judge is about to read dude his sentence. - Poor dude. going to jail and all he did was try to pull of some HEAT shit. That bailiff has a gun? Fuck this… - Grabbed gun out of bailiff’s holster, put the gun to his head this what he said, “I’m too early in my 30’s to die!” - “if I had a gun” is trending on twitter, shit, the one time I already have a gun. - ‏ @DtoTheQ: @nickvatterott which one of you is Rain Pryor? - Retweeted by nick vatterott @DtoTheQ all I’ll say is that one of the jurors was just replaced by Billy Connolly - Bank Robber grabbed the gavel and used it like a mace, then found a piano player and punched him in the face. “Hold It Now!!!” - Judge chick is INTO it! She just scissor kicked that white creamy ottoMan! - Judged yelled, “the world is 1 bad oyster, and I’m one mad cracker, and u are a lemon, and u, ur like tobasco guy, & u, u r tiny fork man!” - Lawyer mayonnaise couch has a gun! He’s a Lawyer Cop! I hope the Ninja Judge has a Gavel Gun… She Does! - She just shot Lawyer Cop in the belly and jelly came out! Oooooh, the Sweedish in me likey! - oh no, the bailiff has freed himself and is attacking me with a karate Chop! - The Karate Chop hit my gold chain! His karate chop bounced off my gold chain and he sliced himself in two! The gold chain saved my life! nick vatterott ‏ @nickvatterott RT “@greencodeAre you on acid? No, wait, I am.” - Prosecutor - Acid?That means the Prosecution forfeits the case for being under influence of acid.Trial dun!Now hand me some Popeyes & pass me that Jelly!

Transcripts of

@nickvatterott

LIVE TWEETING DURING JURY DUTY

https://twitter.com/#!/nickvatterott

- Week 2 of Jury Duty. Shit’s boring as hell. Dude looks guilty as fuck. Defense can save it’s “evidence” for someone who gives a shit

- This an ugly ass jury.Old dude smells like fruit chews. Talks 2 us like we’re friends. Just wait till this is over we NEVER HANG OUT AGAIN!

- Finally we get to eat. This jury shit sucks! But we get Popeyes every day! Love them sides, call me Kennith Cole Slaw!

- back to courtroom. More blah blah blah shit. Judge is kinda hot for someone with a job. Jury looks like picture on a social studies text book

- Havnt been paying attention, asked juror next to me whats going on. Just found out this dude robbed a bank, BAD ASS! This is some HEAT shit!

- Why this hipster idiot try to rob a bank? He ain’t tough. Hipsters trying to fight look like penguins trying to fly: STUPID!

- Cop now in the hot seat. His mustache looks like 2 caterpillars doing it boy on boy style. Got some weird accent. All his J’s sound like M’s

- Just tried to start the wave. Judge got mad. I think he’s just mad cause this jury looks like the cast of Head of the Class: Final Season

- DAMN! Tried 2 ask question,Judge said no questions from Jury. Ta Fuck? Juror next to me is getting handsy. Bout ready to bust out this joint

- The bathrooms at this court house Fucking Suck! http://pic.twitter.com/dH4IZgqh

- Back in courtroom. Damn that Popeyes went straight through me. Diarrhea is kinda like having THE WORST super power.

‏ - @sp0rkbomb: “Your honor, with all due respect, it is 4:20PM. My religion obligates me to hit this shit at this point in time.*lights up*”

- juror next to me just lit a joint, these cats alright!

- Odor in the court!

- Gotta feeln this case is gona go cold, bitch just dropped ass like its heavy and awkward to hold

- Flight attendant juror is nasty, face wrinkly & sunburnt, like she’s never not tanning & smoking.Bet her insides look as bad as her outsides

- Judge smells joint, I blame it on nasty farting flight attendant. She just got ejected. Lucky. Lawyers want to give final monologues

- Just found out that dude who robbed the bank’s nickname is “2 ears” cause his 2 ears are gone.

- Lawyer showing video,how come surveillance cameras aren’t in HD? These tapes always say,”be on lookout 4 dude who looks like every criminal”

- Lawyer giving final speech, dude needs 2go2dentist.He got teeth shootn out of his mouth llike bottle rockets out of a burning firework stand

- Damn this lawyer nasty, dude looks like if furniture and mayonnaise had a child.

- Damn, for a dude who looks like a fire truck accident he’s saying some pretty profound shit.

- HOLY SHIT, THAT’S THE DUDE!!! RT according to google images, this is the lawyer. http://pic.twitter.com/LNPlZ3b5

- this lawyer’s closing talk has got me crying like a dickhead. No way this dude is guilty. Im only jury guy who thinks so. fuck these squares

- Jury says if I side with them, I get the rest of the cold Popeye’s. Looks like this dude is guilty as fuck again!

- Dude says if we don’t agree on a verdict we’ll be hung. Fuck that, that’ll fuck up my neck chains. Judge is about to read dude his sentence.

- Poor dude. going to jail and all he did was try to pull of some HEAT shit. That bailiff has a gun? Fuck this…

- Grabbed gun out of bailiff’s holster, put the gun to his head this what he said, “I’m too early in my 30’s to die!”

- “if I had a gun” is trending on twitter, shit, the one time I already have a gun.

- ‏ @DtoTheQ which one of you is Rain Pryor?

- Retweeted by
all I’ll say is that one of the jurors was just replaced by Billy Connolly
- Bank Robber grabbed the gavel and used it like a mace, then found a piano player and punched him in the face. “Hold It Now!!!”
- Judge chick is INTO it! She just scissor kicked that white creamy ottoMan!
- Judged yelled, “the world is 1 bad oyster, and I’m one mad cracker, and u are a lemon, and u, ur like tobasco guy, & u, u r tiny fork man!”
- Lawyer mayonnaise couch has a gun! He’s a Lawyer Cop! I hope the Ninja Judge has a Gavel Gun… She Does!
- She just shot Lawyer Cop in the belly and jelly came out! Oooooh, the Sweedish in me likey!
- oh no, the bailiff has freed himself and is attacking me with a karate Chop!
- The Karate Chop hit my gold chain! His karate chop bounced off my gold chain and he sliced himself in two! The gold chain saved my life!
RT “Are you on acid? No, wait, I am.” - Prosecutor

- Acid?That means the Prosecution forfeits the case for being under influence of acid.Trial dun!Now hand me some Popeyes & pass me that Jelly!


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About Me
This is the tumblr page of human comedian Nick Vatterott. Check out his website at www.nickvatterott.com and his twitter that is written on post-its all over the inside of the tool shed in his back yard.