Awkward in Heaven
I think the most awkward moment in heaven is when your wife shows up with the person she remarried. How does that work? You wait for the love of your life to show up, and then you find out you have to hang out with some dude for eternity? That sounds more like hell. What if she marries Tom Brokaw? Then you have to hang out with Tom Brokaw for eternity?
WIFE: “Oh my gosh! Nick! I can’t believe it? I thought I would never see you again? Oh the day that you passed, part of me went with you! I can’t believe that I am here with you again… by the way, this is Tom…”
TOM: “Good Evening, I’m Tom Brokaw.”
NICK: “Hi Tom Brokaw… anyway… oh my love! I can’t believe I am with you too! I’ve missed you so much! Can I show you around? Tom Brokaw, it was nice meeting you…
TOM: “Hey… Are you guys taking off? What am I going to do?”
NICK: “I’m sorry man, it’s just that she’s my soulmate…”
TOM: “She’s my soulmate too!”
NICK: “She can’t have two soulmates!”
Tom Brokaw: “She can in HEAVEN!”
Why do people think that everything is going to be different in Heaven? Let’s say that everyone who is “kind to other people”, gets to go to Heaven. I know a lot of “kind people” who annoy the shit out of me. Personalities are not going to be different. People picture Heaven as this Utopia where everyone gets along. As if everyone is walking around like they had some sort of holy lobotomy. People are still going to do shit that annoys you. Let’s say you go to see Jerry Lee Lewis and Beethoven do dueling pianos at Heaven-Fest. You’re driving around on your Angel-Pony trying to find a place to park. You think you’re not going to get pissed off when you see that someone took up two parking spots? Just cause it’s Heaven, doesn’t mean people are going to be any better at parking.
NICK: “Is that a spot up there? Shit, some ass-hole’s Angel-Horse is taking up two spots! Damnit! Why do people even get Angel-Horses? An Angel-Pony is all you need! An Angel-Horse is just total excess! The guy is totally “over-compensating” if you know what I mean. There’s not even any terrain up here that you would need a Angel-Horse for! What an ASS-HOLE!
WIFE: “Nick will you please behave, we are in HEAVEN!”
TOM: “Yeah! We’re in HEAVEN!”
NICK: “You stay out of this BROKAW!”
Suddenly there’s a knock at your window, you roll it down.
JESUS: “Is there a problem?”
NICK: “Oh hey Jesus! It’s just this guys is taking up two spaces up here!”
JESUS: “Cheese and crackers, what an ass-hole!”
NICK: “I KNOW! Right?”
JESUS: “You want to let the air out of it’s hooves?”
NICK: ”Are we allowed to do that?”
JESUS: “I’m B.M.O.C., I do what I want! There’s no rule that says you can’t let the air out of an Angel-Horse’s hoof! I mean who drives an Angel-Horse anyway? (Jesus leans and whispers) I think he’s “over-compensating” if you know what I mean…”
NICK: “JESUS CHRIST! You’re awesome!”
JESUS: “You know I was on earth for 33 years, and I just wanted people to be cool, but instead that took everything I said SO literally. By the way, I was reading my biography recently, you know, the Bible, best seller by the way, anyway, whatever happened to the book of Gary? Did Gary ever turn anything in?”
NICK: “I don’t think so.”
JESUS: “Really? He was suppose to cover all that stuff I did in my teens. He never turned anything in? DAMN! Those were some of my best miracles! What about the Gospel According to Bob? It was a lot of stuff about marriage, personally I thought it was kind of boring and went on too long…”
NICK “I think you’re thinking of the show “Accoring to Jim”
JESUS: “That’s right! That’s what I was thinking of!”
The Bible is the number one selling book of all time, despite having some of the most major story flaws in book history. Joseph, the father of the central character, just disappears halfway through the book with for no reason and with no resolve. That would be like reading the book “HOME ALONE 2” and all a sudden Daniel Stern just disappeared. It’s exactly like that.
I wouldn’t blame Joseph for taking off if that is what happened. I mean. Imagine if all YOUR step-son talked about was how great is real Dad was.
Joseph and Jesus playing catch in the back yard:
JOSEPH: “Hey kiddo! How was school today?”
KID JESUS: “It was fun! Everyone gathered around me and I told everyone how my Father is love. How he created all of us out of his love and it’s unconditional love that gave us life.”
JOSEPH: “Yeah.. Again, please thank him for that… So did you learn anything? Did the teachers teach you anything?”
KID JESUS: “They taught me how powerful it can be for others to truly understand how great my Father is. He is Almghty. He is GREAT!”
JOSEPH: “I know, I know,… So what else is going on? Are there any girls at school that you like?”
KID JESUS: “I love everyone. Just like my Father loves everyone despite their flaws. He even loves you despite your flaws!”
JOSEPH: “Yeah I know, I get it…”
IF you are unfamiliar with the Bible you should read the Great Book like it was meant to be read; on a Kindle! Personally I like to put the ten commandments on two different iPads, walk down to the bottom of a mountain and scream to people: “I just chatted with God on the top of this mountain! And he gave me these tablets, and downloaded these rules for us to live by! He said to me, “Forward this to everybody! And “like” me on Facebook!”
I wonder if God is a bit of an ass-hole? I mean why not? He’s the boss of all bosses. I’ve had a lot of bosses that were good people, but still sucked to work for.
GOD: “Holy Spirit! What the fuck is happening Urganda? I mean really Holy Sprit? What do you actually DO around here anyway?
Jesus Christ! Did you let the air out of my Angel-Horse? Really? I got a line to get into Heaven going all the way around the cloud, and you’re out goofn around. This is summer, it’s our busy season, you know that! Do I have to do everything around here? What time is… is it 5 o’clock on Friday already? I tell you what, not enough DAYS in the week! But I guess I only have myself to blame for that…
Sometimes when people refer to God as “he”, someone else brings up that God could be a woman. To me that debate is like two people having an intellectual, theological debate about whether or not God as a dick or a pussy. I don’t think God has big God balls. I don’t think God has a birth canal. I’m pretty sure that he’s a omni-dimensional mist that smells like David Bowie, tastes like Angela Lansbury and sounds like LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN!!!
So before you tragically expire from the infinite amount of health problems that will soon arise from energy drink and cell phone use, make sure that you and your significant other figure out the Heaven situation before you go. Also make sure you were born in the right part of the world that believes in the correct religion. You apparently can’t even get into Heaven if you aren’t taught the right religion as a child. I actually know which religion is the correct one, but I don’t want to tell anybody. Less people in heaven works in my favor, cause parking in Heaven is a bitch.